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This was a hard pill to swallow. It's a poll from this month's Details magazine. Upon completing it, i found (much to my chagrin) that I was "that guy" in many ways. Here is my confession:
1
You initiate fist bumps.
Yes
No
Yes. Only with youngsters, but yes I do.
2
You order foreign dishes in an accent.
Yes
No
"shoe-hoss-coe"
Yes. I don't suppose being bilingual is an excuse, as I also order sushi and brazilian bbq in annoying "that guy" vernacular.
3
You shave your head at the first sign of balding.
Yes
No
Yes. I don't need to, but admittedly, I would.
4
You use any word Stephen Colbert invented.
Yes
No
No, though I do own his book.
5
You have an elaborate bedtime ritual on planes—with neck pillow, sleep mask, and noise-canceling headphones.
Yes
No
No. Were I a little less claustrophobic, perhaps I would.
6
You have a downloaded ring tone.
Yes
No
No. Vibrate only for this guy.
7
You wave someone along even though they have the right of way.
Yes
No
Yes. Usually just because I'm not paying attention.
8
You say the name of the town where your Ivy League alma mater is located instead of the name of the school.
Yes
No
No. I'm a college drop-out. Besides, "Tempe" just doesn't smack of sophistication.
9
You own a Manchester United jersey.
Yes
No
No. I don't own any jerseys of any sort.
10
You quote Borat, Zoolander, or Anchorman, or reference "TPS reports" and "pieces of flair."
Yes
No
Nay.So I Married an Axe Murderer, Bottle Rocket, and Waiting for Guffman.
11
You put your BlackBerry on the table when you sit down at a restaurant.
Yes
No
Yes, but it's an iPhone, not a CrackBerry, which makes the sin even more grievous.
12
You talk baby talk to your girlfriend on your office phone.
Yes
No
Ahhh-no. After several years of marriage, the baby talk transforms into "yes dear" and "as you wish, my love".
13
You offer to buy a cigarette from people outside bars.
Yes
No
No fumo.
14
You order "off-menu."
Yes
No
No way. That's just crass.
15
You own a reptile.
Yes
No
Not currently, but only after a childhood shared with a burmese python, several garter snakes, desert tortoises, and myriad lizards.
16
You say “My bad.”
Yes
No
No. Mea culpa.
17
You describe your relationship status by saying "It's complicated."
Yes
No
Never!
18
You say "We're pregnant."
Yes
No
I don't dare take credit for that.
19
You have destination-related car stickers like MV, NTK, PVT, HMP, or NPT.
Yes
No
Negatory.
20
You make a show out of tasting wine.
Yes
No
Nope. I make a self-righteous show out of refusing it.
21
You preface statements with "spoiler alert."
Yes
No
Only in the blogosphere, and always in jest.
22
You don't wash last night's admission stamp off your hand.
Yes
No
No. Hit me with a black light and you'll see I'm a Club Rio regular.
23
You use abbreviations like TBD, ASAP, and BFD in conversation and sign off e-mails with "thx" or "cheers."
Yes
No
Not these specifically, but IMHO, ETA, and UFB.
24
You wear flip-flops, Croakies, Crocs, or board shorts in the city.
Yes
No
No, though TOM's may be worse.
25
You have a nighttime wardrobe that includes a going-out shirt, concert merchandise, or limited-edition sneakers you bought in Tokyo.
Yes
No
Going out shirt? One metallic, one sheer. No.
26
You say "I need my Starbucks."
Yes
No
No
27
You refer to the woman you’re casually hooking up with as a "friend with benefits."
Yes
No
No. After 9+ years of marriage, that moniker agitates her.
28
You pretend not to know who Spencer Pratt is.
Yes
No
Unfortunately, I know exactly who he is.
29 You offer advice to women on their "form" at the gym.
Yes
No
What's a gym?
30
You call friends and colleagues by their last names.
Yes
No
Not all, but yes- a few.
31
You refer to a date/girlfriend’s having done some "print work."
Yes
No
No.
32
You describe anything good as "sick."
Yes
No
I've really been working on this one. I know it's a filthy habit.
33
You refer to your wife as "the ol' ball and chain" and say "I'll take the request to management."
Yes
No
No, but nearly as horrid: "I'll petition the almighty (little a)" and "my handler".
34
You refer to a trip to the gym as a "legs day."
Yes
No
Yes, but only on legs day, which I most often skip.
35
You go to a show to see the opening band.
Yes
No
Sure- why not.
36
You think Hayden Panettiere is hot.
Yes
No
No. Cute.
37
You put your kid in a Che Guevara T-shirt.
Yes
No
No, but I have memorized, verbatim, his declaration: "Lo fundamental es que seamos capaces de hacer, cada dia, algo que perfeccione lo que hicimos el dia anterior."
38
You include the names of your kids and pets in your home outgoing message.
Yes
No
No. I seldom remember that I even have a home outgoing message.
39
You refer to money as "Benjamins," "dead presidents," "ducats," or "coin."
Yes
No
No. Revenue, capital, resources. Worse?
40
You bitch about your contractor at parties.
Yes
No
Yes...and for good reason.
41
You talk about a record "dropping."
Yes
No
Like it's hot. I am afraid so.
42
You half-tuck your shirt.
Yes
No
No.
43
You have a goatee.
Yes
No
No.
44
You refer to anything as "small-batch" or "artisanal."
Yes
No
No.
45
You refer to any last-stop bar as "the 19th hole."
Yes
No
No
46
You're a Caucasian with a tattoo in Asian lettering.
Yes
No
No.
47
You Evite.
Yes
No
No.
48
You own a wine Rabbit.
Yes
No
No (I didn't know what it was either).
49
You proselytize about carbon footprints.
50
You name your kid after a character in To Kill a Mockingbird.
Yes
No
No, though I must admit, I would grin approvingly at the parents of any Jem, Scout, or Atticus.
51
You use the phrase flyover states.
Yes
No
No. At least not as a pronoun/noun combo.
52
You use the word bicoastal.
Yes
No
Nope. Nor do I ever say (or feel) "bi-curous".
53
You pretend to like country music.
Yes
No
No, I just do like it. Which is worse?
54
You wear DJ headphones.
Yes
No
Yes. Sennheisers. And I even bought them before they were recommended by the great Patrick Hall.
55
You use a Bluetooth headset.
Yes
No
Nay.
56
You call muscle groups by shortened versions of their technical names, like "lats," "traps," and "pecs."
Yes
No
Yes- as opposed to the complete versions? Latissimus Dorsi, Trapezius, and Pectoralis Major/Minor? Of course.
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2 comments:
Eric, I love that you love Guffman/Axe Murderer and I don't love that you love country. Wah wah. We should have a quote-off next time we're in AZ. Billy G and I are well-versed in both flicks. Classics.
Hurry home, I miss you.
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